By: Torrey Brooke The overall, well-intentioned philosophy of the commonly used phrase, “choose happiness,” is that we make a conscious decision about the direction of each day through our attitude, perspective, and actions ultimately leading us to our overall happiness (or lack-thereof). While there may be some truth to that sentiment, the reality is that suggesting someone “choose” happiness can actually be one of the most unhelpful suggestions and feel pretty invalidating. It can actually come off as victim blaming because telling someone to choose happiness implies that they can choose all of their emotions – if I’m not choosing to be happy, then I must be “choosing” to be upset or anxious or guilty or lonely or discouraged. It can make someone feel like they are putting themselves in a position of anxiety or sadness because they’re simply not choosing otherwise. I am making a public plea for us to replace “choose happiness” with “cultivate happiness.” It may seem like an insignificant change, but this simple, semantic shift completely transforms the meaning of the phrase. “Cultivate happiness” translates to: “Unconditionally accept yourself and your feelings,” “Forgive yourself,” “Be gentle with yourself,” “Be kind to yourself.” It means it is okay to be anxious or fearful or angry or upset or confused. It means I know you don’t want nor choose to feel these difficult feelings, but you are and that’s okay. It means I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I accept you, and I value you. Cultivate happiness means happiness is a wild flower – it needs to be cultivated with sunshine and water and earth. It may not always be in bloom, but that’s normal. Given the right season and conditions, it will bloom again eventually. When we say, “Cultivate happiness,” we’re saying, "happiness is possible." “Choose happiness,” feels alone and guilt ridden. “Cultivate happiness,” feels like there are options.
For myself in particular, and I know for many others, the struggle is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I did not choose this. I do not choose to be in a constant state of alertness and worry. I do not choose to have restless sleep at night just in case I need to be up for an emergency at a moment’s notice. I do not choose to have anxiety attacks in front of my boss, or at a coffee shop, or on a holiday. I do not choose my anxiety and it is for that same reason I also cannot just “choose happiness.” This phrase does more than just erase mental illnesses, it also erases experiences. Can people live full and happy lives growing up in poverty and other less-than-desirable situations? Of course, but to simply tell someone to “choose” to be happy in that situation is an erasure of anything else they may quite justifiably be feeling. Can we instead allow people to feel what they’re feeling – good, bad, or otherwise? Allow that to be okay. Allow that to be okay for them. Allow that to be okay for yourself. Let’s create a world where happiness isn’t the only acceptable feeling. Let’s all vow to meet ourselves and others wherever we’re at on our journey and to accept that unconditionally. Let’s all vow to see that we are worthy of that acceptance. Let that be enough because you are – you are enough. You are worthy. You are so worthy. Instead of the mantra, “Choose happiness,” let’s coin the mantra, “Cultivate happiness.” Instead of getting down on ourselves for feeling anything but happiness, let’s meet ALL of our emotions with unconditional acceptance and love by allowing ourselves to feel whatever we feel and then saying to ourselves, “I love you anyway.” Doesn’t that feel good? Let’s cultivate happiness through self-love and compassion. Let’s choose love.
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